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ROSEs_and_JASMINes
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Name: Mary Rose Santos &
Country: Antarctica
Gender: Female
Interests: ice skating! hehe...mr: watching one tree hill, j: watching Inu-yasha & *Johnny Depp*
Expertise: mr: talking (a lot), j: not talking
Occupation: Other
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
AIM:  I is the LOUD 1
AIM:  I is the CRAZY 1
Member Since:
10/17/2004
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| "They shall be My people, and I shall be their God." --Jer. 32:38
What I loved about this chapter was God's seeming redundancy. He keeps on telling Jeremiah that the exiles of Israel will return, they will come back to the land, they will rebuild, they will return. All of this during a Babylonian siege. While the Israelites are fighting a losing battle, God is giving Jeremiah a message of inevitable victory.
If I were to portray this in a painting, it'd be Jeremiah shackled, in the center of a mass of crying, anxious Israelites in the court of the King of Judah; the outskirts of the painting would show signs of the siege like the fortifications heaped from torn roofs, and a few straggling Isrealite troops bracing themselves helplessly against the oncoming Bablyonian horde. In my mind, the painting is in Neoclassical style, yet somewhat akin to Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People" (just biblical).
This scene does not have to be peopled with ancient Israelites though. I could imagine this happening symbolically for the present age, even in my own house. This passage moved me because God reminded me of my own pseudo-exile when I went away for college. High school had held the darkest days of my life as of yet, and all of it could be symbolized in the Israelites' idolatry and waywardness. Yet, even though I do not clearly see the "land being bought back" upon my return, I find comfort in God's promise that indeed, "They shall be My people, and I shall be their God."
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| Cor Cordium, or heart of hearts.
I told a friend that the phrase probably originates from the bible (bearing in mind "holy of holies"). According to thefreedictionary.com, it is an American-English idiom that means "if you knew something in your heart of hearts, you are certain of it although you might not want to admit it."
Is there anything in my cor cordium?
"Fighting Spirit" according to my mom is a will to win and to survive. Prior to her explanation of this phrase, she told me I lacked "fighting spirit," which is the kind of thing that can lead to homelessness. A long, long time ago I thought it'd be fun to live in a box; when I met Caroline, a elderly homeless woman, in the Tenderloin during Crossroads' YWAM outreach, I saw just how defeated someone's spirit can get without family or friends. I foresaw how I could end up like her if my family and friends also bailed out on me. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be independent and make our own living, but I am saying we need each other. My mom needed "fighting spirit" to end up where we are now, but I am not going to live her life over. I am determined to live because God has a plan for me, and because He is with me--that's my "fighting spirit."
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| Disclaimer: Tonight, I've realized that coffee also works for me. Unfortunately, I didn't need it to work for me tonight. Please excuse any non-cohesiveness.
HYPOCRITE, I am. Despite my prologue about staying "Above the Din" for the class of '08, I have managed to stop my ears with the din of life. This past month can be summed up into one word: studying. Due to my lack of transportation, I've been forcefully hermit-ed in my house for the purpose of studying until my eyes strained. (Although I recently got a new (larger) prescription for my eyeglasses, it wouldn't surprise me if my eyesight has blurred a little more just over this last month alone.) The goal of my studying was my two GRE tests, general and subject respectively. I received the final scores for the general a few days ago; in short, I did well, and I am happy to submit them for my grad school applications. The subject test was yesterday--230 questions of English literature madness over the course of 2 hours and 50 mins. This was probably the hardest multiple choice test I've ever taken. I think I did well, but when checking my bubbles, I found that I bubbled in 'B' for question 231. There is no 231. Que sera sera.
House arrest, of course, does not necessarily imply that I did not take breaks. I certainly ate well and feigned company via television. I most certainly also did my devo times, sung worship music, and prayed. I also picked up a seasonal job at the Gap Outlet which is walking-distance from my house. I was able to go to my church's 20s fellowship most Friday nights, and I got to hang out with friends on some of the weekends. Yet, despite all of this, I still felt and, I believe, exhibited hypocrisy. There was no engagement.
ENGAGEMENT, or engaging others in the form of real connections. Foremostly, by God. Secondly, by people. This was lacking. Addressing the foremost, yes, I prayed for other people and ministries and my tests, but at most, I prayed God's will for others and not myself. Self-sacrifice is what a Christian is called to do, but it's hard to give up hopes and dreams when reality is on the line. Especially a reality that may turn out to be suffocating, heart-aching, and attached to feelings of helplessness and bewilderment. In sum, here is a word picture that tries to capture this self-sacrificial dilemma:
The alliterative jumble: which is more important?
MONEY
MIND
MY LORD's HEART
There is the obvious answer, and then there is the social/family/personal-pressured answer. And, of course, the always relevant question: How do I apply this to reality?
The lacking Engagement by others is not a guilt-tripping mechanism. Post-graduation is supposed to be lonely compared to undergrad social infusion. I have been forewarned, and the truth is the truth no matter how much it hurts. This lack of engagement, however, makes me feel the failure--not to be taken the other way around. My ultimate goal has zeroed in on my mother at this point, but it's discouraging due to my obvious limitations. Recent revelations about my childhood and the continuous stress placed on my mother has opened my eyes further to how lonely and difficult my mom's life has been raising us up on her own. I recently watched the movie, Atonement; I ask, how can I 'atone' for her hardships? Nothing can really pay her back, and I know she wants me to have a better life. I really cannot fail her.
Lastly, everyone has heard the trite expression about many fishes in the sea: blast it all to pieces! If there's nothing on the hook, why bite??? I miss girlfriends.
Addendum: I only had approximately 5.5 hours of sleep before my English Subject Test, so afterward I took a nap. I was so tired and my mind was so impressed with the images of the test that I dreamt about English literature multiple choice questions. Black background, white print for the questions (I suppose it reflects the negative of my actual test). You know the test is bad when even your subconscious cannot visualize anything else. I have determined not to read any English literature for at least a few days to recover from the trauma.
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| I've lately been re-reading Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queen, and have gotten to the part in which the diabolical character, Despair, is persuading the main character, The Red Crosse Knight, to commit suicide. From all the fictional literature I've read, this speech is one of the most compelling and sinister since it uses truth with a twist (indeed the most destructive lies in history have been based in truth, but contorted):
Book I, Canto IX
42
"Is not his [God's] deed, what ever thing is donne,
In heaven and earth? did not he all create
To die againe? all ends that was begonne.
Their times in his eternall booke of fate
Are written sure, and have their certaine date.
Who then can strive with strong necessitie,
That holds the world in his still chaunging state,
Or shunne the death ordaynd by destinie?
When houre of death is come, let none aske whence, nor why.
43
"The lenger life, I wote the greater sin,
The greater sin, the greater punishment:
All those great battels, which thou boasts to win,
Through strife, and bloud-shed, and avengement,
Now praysd, hereafter deare thou shalt repent:
For life must life, and bloud must bloud repay.
Is not enough thy evill life forespent?
For he, that once hath missed the right way,
The further he doth goe, the further he doth stray.
44
"Then do no further goe, no further stray,
But here lie downe, and to thy rest betake,
Th'ill to prevent, that life ensewen may (i.e. that the remainder of your life may bring),
For what hath life, that may it loved make,
And gives not rather cause it to forsake?
Feare, sickness, age, losse, labour, sorrow, strife,
Paine, hunger, cold, that makes the hart to quake;
And ever fickle fortune rageth rife,
All which, and thousands mo do make a loathsome life.
[...]
47
"Is not he just, that all this doth behold
From highest heaven, and beares an equall [impartial] eye?
Shall he thy sins up in his knowledge fold,
And guiltie be of thine impietie?
Is not his law, Let every sinner die:
Die shall all flesh? (Job 34.15) what then must needs be donne,
Is it not better to doe willinglie,
Then linger, till the glasse be all out ronne?
Death is the end of woes: die soone, O faeries sonne."
God is good, which means he is righteous and holy. He cannot abide sin. Yet God is also love, which means that he himself has taken the righteous punishment of sin, namely, death upon himself in our stead. We have already died if we have taken Christ's death onto ourselves, i.e. dying everyday to our flesh and fighting the battles mentioned in stanza 43. In this excerpt, Despair talks about God's nature of goodness, but does not mention that he is love. According to the footnote in my edition, "Despair draws arguments chiefly from classical Stoicism and from sayings in the Old Testament concerning God's justice; he omits mention of God's mercy."
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| A few nights ago, I had an interesting dream that I'd like to record for posterity just because the great line that someone says in it. Warning: Jasmin's dreams are sometimes quite odd, and oftentimes do not accurately reflect what she was thinking about right before going to sleep.
I can't remember much about the first portion of the dream, but from the context clues, I'm assuming I was having a jam session with Phil Wickham. I don't remember what we were talking about, but the great line was said by him:
"I don't play music for money. I play music for people."
Wowee, Phil. I've never met you in person yet, but you sure are super cool in my dreams.
Then, I found myself journeying home using the public transportation system in the evening. Well, the sky was blue-grey as if it were overcast-rainy in a city. The scene kind of reminded me of NYC on a bus driving through Central Park or a amply vegetated street with few people around. The strange thing about it was that a teenage mutant ninja turtle with a yellow headband (there is no yellow one right?) was chatting with me, and it seemed like he knew me well enough to be jealous of me spending time with Phil Wickham. Actually, it seemed like he was romantically interested in me, and I was kind of annoyed with all the suspicious questions from a so-called friend.
That was pretty much all I could remember. A lot of my dreams are pretty cinematic, so maybe I should start recording them more often.
As for diversions, I feel like my life has been filled with them. I know it's not a good thing, but this weekend I was convicted about it more after talking about deep, dark issues like love, vulnerability, and marriage with my older sister, Angela. I know that I tend to be an escapist, but maybe I feel it now more pronounced since I don't really know what my next steps are exactly. Pastor Dave at New Song Church talked about a lot of things, but one of them being to step into pain with regards to relationships. It was about not keeping our hearts gated, and in essence, being real and talking about life with people. Being involved in other peoples lives. Not being scared.
Anyway, I think I still need more time to hash my thoughts out for myself, but a quote that I re-read in my journal stuck out this weekend: "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." 2 Chron 20:12
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